I know it’s the same all over the world, but today, I am convinced that nothing can compare to California sunshine.

“Berkeley, it’s been real. Forever and always,
another golden bear.”

IT STILL MAKES NO SENSE WHY I’M LEAVING.

IT ALSO MAKES NO SENSE WHY I KEEP PACKING BUT MY ROOM STILL LOOKS MORE OR LESS LIKE MY ROOM EXCEPT IT IMPLODED AND THE ONLY THING THAT SURVIVED WERE FOREVER 21 BAGS.

Everything always seems so much better when it feels like your doing it for the last time.
Was tonight the last night we’d ever be at Thalassa, or Kip’s, or Top Dog again? I don’t know. But despite having done this countless numbers of times before, it just stood out. I love these girls, and there’s nothing more to it.

Graduation was absolutely everything I hoped it would be. Here’s a gem from our commencement speech given by Jennifer Granholm, the former governor of Michigan.

The Irish tell the story of a man who arrives at the gates of heaven and he asks to be let in and St. Peter says, “Of course. Show us your scars.” The man said, “I have no scars.” St. Peter says, “What a pity. Was there nothing worth fighting for?”

Here’s to knowing that of course there is.

Finally, a moment in time to think. The apartment is empty, I have one light on, and I am sitting on a bed that is covered with the striped sheets from freshman year. I haven’t been very nostalgic about graduating, I don’t think i’ve spent anytime treasuring any moments. Some people i know are doing it so well - A.Chan, with her bucket lists and campus walks, puts me to shame.
But finally, with finals a day-old memory, thesis turned in, and graduation photos taken, I can stop to reflect.
I’m not sure how i want to articulate myself, whether I want this to be a moody, introspective piece on leaving things behind or an uplifting, motivational recap on everything I’ve learned… how do you encapsulate 4 years of your life in words that are definitely going to fall short?
So instead of trying so hard, these are just some thoughts I’ve had recently:
    •    It’s strange when you realise some place has become your home. with Berkeley, it happened so subtly and slowly i never even knew it happened till about a year ago. For a long time, I was convinced I hated it because of the feeling I got when I had to board that plane and come back home. I know now I just felt that way because I hated the person i became when as soon as that same plane touched down. But so many things have happened in the past year and a half that changed that - you can’t really make someplace yours until you are completely yourself in it, and I guess for me, I had to be alone to do that. A summer spent in the california sun really made me fall in love with this place; so did hours spent underground, and a standard dinner order from Racha Cafe… Sri Lanka will never stop being my home, and when i went back last December, it seemed ridiculous that I ever existed anywhere else. but Berkeley is where i grew up - and it’s really difficult to have anything on that.
    •    It also seems pretty irreconcilable that feelings like this be conquered by arbitrary, meaningless constructs like rent, and expiring leases. On May 31st, I will no longer live in Apt 9, with a balcony that overlooks Telegraph, in a room where the sunlight filters in through the window the exact right amount,  through which you can hear the street cleaning trucks at 3 in the morning. I’ll have to return my key, and next year, it will be filled with someone else.
    •    Speaking of growing up, I did so much of it this year. I think for the first 2 and a half, I was stuck in semi limbo - same situation, just different people. I went from being someone’s girlfriend in high school, to someone’s girlfriend in college. And this year, just being by myself has taught me so much. If you feel sick and want some ice cream, go and buy it for yourself. You do not need a boy to bring you some, and you may also inadvertently score some free flu medicine from the sympathetic man at Fred’s that way. You do not need a boy to tell every single detail about your day to, nor a quantified list of reasons why your stressed right now - that’s why you have your mother, or your sister. Having a boyfriend allows you to grow complacent with the other people in your life. Yes, it sucks not to have standing plans on a Friday night, and no one to cuddle with when you don’t feel like going out. But maybe you shouldn’t be staying home anyway.  If the reasons you want to be with someone are outnumbered by the one overwhelming fear of being alone, you should not be in a relationship. “if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay”. Friendship should be enough. And if it isn’t in that moment, go to sleep.
    •    It’s not about finding the right person, it’s about being the right person. I cannot worry about someone’s earning potential, nor can I control their life path - whether they go to med school or end up on the corner of Telegraph injecting heroine into their eyeballs. I am going to be more than able to take care of myself, there are things i am going to accomplish regardless, and if it works out that we both still end up in the same place… Cool.
    •     I think one of the most bittersweet feelings is doing the exact somethings we used to do, going the same places we used to go, but with friends instead. Replacing those old memories that still kind of tug in a painful place with new ones, that maybe won’t elicit the same kind of nostalgic hurt and significance when you look back on them, but will fill you with a feeling of satisfaction. Same goes i think, for realizing that you haven’t invested your whole soul in one person in a long time, but also realizing that’s okay, because you’ve just invested little pieces of you in more people.
    •    if you feel like you have nothing in your life  (which i did do for a brief moment in January), and things suck for reasons that you absolutely cannot do anything about - just focus on small things that can improve yourself (though i do believe the words julie’s used were - “just look hot”). Which, before it became more habit, motivated me to go spin at 7:45 am twice a week.
    •    I have met people here that I genuinely hope are in my life forever. I don’t know about feasibility, and I don’t know if we will keep in touch in the way that I want to. But connections, real connections, are never lost. And I can’t imagine meeting new people that i could care about half as much.
    •    At the same time, if it’s one thing college teaches you, it’s that people are in your life for a fleeting moment, and that’s okay too. I’ve come to understand that when there are feelings involved, you can never expect anyone to be in your life unconditionally. It’s hard to keep someone in your life if you can’t have them the way you want them.
    •    But sometimes, you will find exceptions to this rule. You will find a boy who says, I know I told you I loved you and even though it didn’t, and will not go anywhere, thank you for allowing me that experience, and I hope we always have what we have. I’d heard that  “it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.” I just never expected to see it.
    •    The best kind of validation is when it is not needed and unexpected
    •    Things don’t turn out ideally. 4 years ago, I thought I would be graduating the way Julie did, with the entire family filling up an entire row, and a long term boyfriend who had shown up at the last minute to surprise me. Come Monday, I’m not going to have that. What I do have though, are sisters who I know who would give a lot to be there if they could. I have a niece, whose smile when she sees me on webcam can literally change the course of my entire day. I will be wearing a lei of magenta orchids that were ordered all the way from Australia, and after I have walked across that stage, I will wave at the two people I did all this for - wrote that pointless thesis, dragged myself out of church on Sunday mornings, stayed that extra hour at the library, pushed myself a little bit harder… even if i forgot to call them everyday.
    •     And then, I will come home and celebrate with a bottle of champagne from someone that I know would have loved to watch me graduate, and be there to pop the cork with me. And I might still wonder why none of this feels more poignant. But I am positive I will be happy.

I’ve had this tumblr for about a year now. Lots has changed in that one year but here’s the biggest one:

my hair is one colour again, and that colour is not orange.